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Yes, you have got it, it’s Flirtology Humpday!

A reader recently asked me, ‘What do men want in a relationship?’ This question is both easy and hard to answer. It is easy because what men want and what women want are not very different these days. It is hard because although it is easy to make generalizations, personal preference will always remain.

It was not so long ago that women had fewer choices in life. Our only path was to marry and have kids. Whilst there is still a way to go before we reach equality, at least now, mostly due to economic power, women do not have to passively wait to be chosen. (Please read previous posts on why women can ask men out and why men shouldn’t have to be the ones to always pay. With economic earning power, comes a shift in traditional gender roles.) Another advantage of modern society is that women can choose to remain single without the stigma of yore.

Ok, but how does this affect what men are looking for in a relationship? The genders do not work in isolation, which means men now are also able to have more freedom from the traditional expectations around finding ‘a good wife’.

In the past, the expectation of the woman in a relationship was to cook, clean, and make men a martini when they got home from work. Look at this little diddy that I found http://www.mentalfloss.com/article/52108/7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

English: A young woman and man embracing while...

These days, most men – at least the ones that I would want you to be in a relationship with, because I think you are awesome – are looking for an equal partner. They want someone whom they can laugh with, depend on, and have great sex with. They want someone whom will fit in with their friends and family, and who will make them look good in public.  Now, is that any different from what a woman wants? Have a look here at some recent research showing what men and women want in relationships.

Now for the hard part: individual preferences. Some men want a woman who does the domestic chores (What person wouldn’t? Cleaning is so boring!). Other men are happy to pitch in. Some men want a woman who likes to go out to social events, other men are looking for a partner who likes to stay in and play backgammon. The general comments made earlier,  about what men are looking, for remain true. However, it’s these individual preferences that make us fit with one person and not another. And that is how you find your true luuuuurvvve. As usual, my rule is to act like yourself, and you will attract someone who fits with you.

The title says it all.

 

7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

 

1950s - Painted Ladies - Best Friends Forever

 

How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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Online Dating Advice

It’s Flirtology hump day! This Wednesday we will be looking at one of my fav pet hates, internet dating! As some of you know, I have written many posts, depicting why internet dating is the devil’s spawn (too much?). Besides the fact that the people you are meeting online are connected to no one in particular, and don’t have the ‘vouched-for’ factor, there are other reasons online dating doesn’t work. The questions are not right for matching people and, therefore, the algorithms are incorrect. Fortunately, a very smart woman, named Amy Webb, used her mathematical skills to create algorithms that do work. If you have a spare 17 minutes, I suggest you watch this. It’s brilliant and it has a happy ending…

How I Hacked Online Dating

Have you had any success with online dating?

Surprise, I am posting on a Saturday night. I know a lot of you will go out tonight, hoping to meet the man or woman or your dreams (or someone to keep you warm!) In case you run out of ways to approach, just pull out this handy, dandy guide on how to make the opposite sex swoon. My personal favourite is, ‘You must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got fine written all over you.’ (Feel free to use it. I’d be honoured.)

 

Happy Flirting!

 

Pick up lines guaranteed to get you some action!

 

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

Another boring Wednesday, another Flirtology hump day to the rescue!

Recently, a client of mine went on a date. She didn’t just bring her ‘A-game’, she also brought a long list of expectations. These were expectations about how she hoped her date would act, how the date would go, and what would happen at the next stage. This was all before even meeting the guy. Do you know what? She came home disappointed. Nothing went as she had ‘planned’. Does this sound familiar? For example, perhaps when you approach someone, you have certain expectations of that person. Or, maybe these expectations are what hold you back from ever approaching anyone.

High Expectations/Low Results

Let me present to you an alternate scenario. Imagine that you have no expectations or goals when you enter into this dating/flirting arena. Instead, you just let things unfold. You don’t think about the future, a tense that we have no control over anyway. Instead, you are in that very moment. You are listening, you are aware, and you don’t try to control the other person’s thoughts, words, and actions. Instead, you just let things unfold as they were meant to. What would that be like? Do you think you would come away feeling disappointed?

Try starting each interaction without expectations and see what a difference it makes.

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