Another boring Wednesday, another Flirtology hump day to the rescue!
Recently, a client of mine went on a date. She didn’t just bring her ‘A-game’, she also brought a long list of expectations. These were expectations about how she hoped her date would act, how the date would go, and what would happen at the next stage. This was all before even meeting the guy. Do you know what? She came home disappointed. Nothing went as she had ‘planned’. Does this sound familiar? For example, perhaps when you approach someone, you have certain expectations of that person. Or, maybe these expectations are what hold you back from ever approaching anyone.
Let me present to you an alternate scenario. Imagine that you have no expectations or goals when you enter into this dating/flirting arena. Instead, you just let things unfold. You don’t think about the future, a tense that we have no control over anyway. Instead, you are in that very moment. You are listening, you are aware, and you don’t try to control the other person’s thoughts, words, and actions. Instead, you just let things unfold as they were meant to. What would that be like? Do you think you would come away feeling disappointed?
Try starting each interaction without expectations and see what a difference it makes.
Hey all! Here is this week’s flirting info via Flirtology Hump day. Hopefully it can bring a little sunshine to your boring, midweek hump. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!
This is the third posting in a series on ‘How to Talk to Strangers’. Although, the title is a little misleading, as this post will focus on how to get out of a conversation with a stranger.
I have found that those who are most comfortable getting out of conversations, are more likely to begin them in the first place. Whilst people tell me how hard it is getting out of conversations, I assure them it is very easy. Let’s see, climbing Mount Everest, compared to, ‘Well, it was lovely speaking with you. Enjoy your evening.’ (I won’t be lacing up my hiking boots and grabbing a Sherpa anytime soon.) So, why do people seem to have such trouble with the graceful exit? It’s mostly down to misplaced guilt and skewed notions of politeness.
Let’s break this down: You are speaking with someone and have had enough. However, the idea that by leaving the conversation you will emotionally crush this person, prevents you from doing so. This means you either wait until they decide that the conversation is over, or you are in that conversation for the next 20 years; neither option is very appealing. And, while you think this gallant gesture means you are an incredibly nice person, by the same reasoning, you are also assuming that your presence is so important, that you will have a direct impact on their emotional well-being by simply saying, ‘It was nice chatting to you, but I must go ask Mr. T where he buys his gold jewelry.’
Others point out that they don’t want to be impolite by leaving the conversation. Let’s take the example of a man and woman whom I introduced at a singles party. After an hour they were still talking. I took this as a good sign. I pulled the woman aside for a quick check in.
Me: ‘So, how’s it going? You guys have been talking for the last hour.’
Her: ‘Oh, he’s ok. Not really my type though.’
Me: ‘Well, then why are you still standing here talking? This is a singles party! There are a million other single people here to meet!’
Her: ‘Well, I don’t want to be rude!’
Again, if we look at this logically, which is ruder? A) Be in a conversation with someone the whole evening. Do everything you would do if you really liked him/her; smile, ask questions, not leave(!). When they ask for your number because, based on your behaviour the whole evening, they assume you like them, you give it to them; after all, you don’t want to be rude. Then they call you and you either never answer your phone, or make an excuse. Compare this to option B) After a few minutes of realising you are not really compatible, you say, ‘It was lovely chatting with you, but I just see someone over there who I must say hello to. Enjoy your evening!’
At any time, I can gracefully leave a conversation. I know that I won’t leave them in tears just because I’ve left. I know I am not being impolite; there are loads of other people who they probably want to talk to as well. Why do I think I am the most important person there? The graceful exit is incredibly easy; it’s the loaded emotion that we add to it, is what makes us think it’s hard.
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