What do Men Want in a Relationship?

Yes, you have got it, it’s Flirtology Humpday!

A reader recently asked me, ‘What do men want in a relationship?’ This question is both easy and hard to answer. It is easy because what men want and what women want are not very different these days. It is hard because although it is easy to make generalizations, personal preference will always remain.

It was not so long ago that women had fewer choices in life. Our only path was to marry and have kids. Whilst there is still a way to go before we reach equality, at least now, mostly due to economic power, women do not have to passively wait to be chosen. (Please read previous posts on why women can ask men out and why men shouldn’t have to be the ones to always pay. With economic earning power, comes a shift in traditional gender roles.) Another advantage of modern society is that women can choose to remain single without the stigma of yore.

Ok, but how does this affect what men are looking for in a relationship? The genders do not work in isolation, which means men now are also able to have more freedom from the traditional expectations around finding ‘a good wife’.

In the past, the expectation of the woman in a relationship was to cook, clean, and make men a martini when they got home from work. Look at this little diddy that I found http://www.mentalfloss.com/article/52108/7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

These days, most men – at least the ones that I would want you to be in a relationship with, because I think you are awesome – are looking for an equal partner. They want someone whom they can laugh with, depend on, and have great sex with. They want someone whom will fit in with their friends and family, and who will make them look good in public.  Now, is that any different from what a woman wants? Have a look here at some recent research showing what men and women want in relationships.

Now for the hard part: individual preferences. Some men want a woman who does the domestic chores (What person wouldn’t? Cleaning is so boring!). Other men are happy to pitch in. Some men want a woman who likes to go out to social events, other men are looking for a partner who likes to stay in and play backgammon. The general comments made earlier,  about what men are looking, for remain true. However, it’s these individual preferences that make us fit with one person and not another. And that is how you find your true luuuuurvvve. As usual, my rule is to act like yourself, and you will attract someone who fits with you.

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If you Ever Forget how Good you Have it, refer to this…

The title says it all.

 

7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

 

 

How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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Online Dating Advice

It’s Flirtology hump day! This Wednesday we will be looking at one of my fav pet hates, internet dating! As some of you know, I have written many posts, depicting why internet dating is the devil’s spawn (too much?). Besides the fact that the people you are meeting online are connected to no one in particular, and don’t have the ‘vouched-for’ factor, there are other reasons online dating doesn’t work. The questions are not right for matching people and, therefore, the algorithms are incorrect. Fortunately, a very smart woman, named Amy Webb, used her mathematical skills to create algorithms that do work. If you have a spare 17 minutes, I suggest you watch this. It’s brilliant and it has a happy ending…

How I Hacked Online Dating

Have you had any success with online dating?

How to Attract a Man, How to Attract a Woman

Surprise, I am posting on a Saturday night. I know a lot of you will go out tonight, hoping to meet the man or woman or your dreams (or someone to keep you warm!) In case you run out of ways to approach, just pull out this handy, dandy guide on how to make the opposite sex swoon. My personal favourite is, ‘You must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got fine written all over you.’ (Feel free to use it. I’d be honoured.)

 

Happy Flirting!

 

Pick up lines guaranteed to get you some action!

 

How not to Look Needy or Desperate.

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

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Your Worst Flirting mistake…

Another boring Wednesday, another Flirtology hump day to the rescue!

Recently, a client of mine went on a date. She didn’t just bring her ‘A-game’, she also brought a long list of expectations. These were expectations about how she hoped her date would act, how the date would go, and what would happen at the next stage. This was all before even meeting the guy. Do you know what? She came home disappointed. Nothing went as she had ‘planned’. Does this sound familiar? For example, perhaps when you approach someone, you have certain expectations of that person. Or, maybe these expectations are what hold you back from ever approaching anyone.

Let me present to you an alternate scenario. Imagine that you have no expectations or goals when you enter into this dating/flirting arena. Instead, you just let things unfold. You don’t think about the future, a tense that we have no control over anyway. Instead, you are in that very moment. You are listening, you are aware, and you don’t try to control the other person’s thoughts, words, and actions. Instead, you just let things unfold as they were meant to. What would that be like? Do you think you would come away feeling disappointed?

Try starting each interaction without expectations and see what a difference it makes.

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How to Find a Husband or How to Find a Wife

How to Find a Husband or How to Find a Wife

You are ready. After a decade of meeting people, playing around, and having fun, you have decided that it’s time to be in a long-term relationship. You are in good company. Many people come to me asking ‘How to Find a Husband’ or ‘How to Find a Wife’. And I help them, and they find one.

But, finding a person to marry isn’t the hard part. It’s finding the right person to marry that is the hard part. I often ask people who are in happy, long-term relationships, what they think is the key to making their relationship. I asked my friend Simon, who recently celebrated his 20-year anniversary with his wife. He said, ‘Once you have the right person, it’s easy. It’s finding the right person that is the hard part!’. His answer surprised me. I was expecting him to say things like, ‘Good communication skills, compromising, or not trying to change the other person’. But his response made me realize that all of those things are important, but if you are with the wrong person, none of it will help. When you are with the right person, life is easy; your relationship is easy.

With my clients, I help them make lists of the 5 fundamentals that a potential person much have if they are to be considered for the long-term. We are not making a list of ‘nice-to-haves’ and superficialities. This is not a wish list to Santa. This list has to be thorough and concise in order to be effective. But, once you have it, it saves you a lot of time. It keeps you focused on what you are looking for.

For example, let’s say your list looks like this (everyone’s is different!):

• Is not religious
• Likes to be active and sporty
• Doesn’t want kids
• Lives in my city
• Is responsible

And, let’s say you meet someone who fits all the criteria, but lives in Paris and has no intention of moving. You move on.

Or, fits all the criteria, but wants kids. You move on.

Or, shows up 2 hours late without a good reason. You move on.

Or, enjoys spending their weekends on the sofa reading and watching t.v. You move on.

See, when you have a focused list of what you are looking for, it helps weed out any ‘time-wasters’. If you are not looking for a long-term relationship, then you can date whomever you’d like. Have a ball! If you are looking for a long-term relationship, then stick to the list!

If you would like my help, figuring out what your list should look like, please contact me for a private session. I’d love to help.

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What is Flirting?

It’s Wednesdays, and Wednesdays are boring, but Flirtology Hump Days aren’t!

What is Flirting? This is a question that I asked 250 single people whilst researching my book, ‘The Flirt Interpreter’.

Flirting is about starting conversations, about meeting people, about brightening

up someone’s day. We are social beings. We thrive on interaction — sometimes it’s an exchange of opinions; sometimes of ideas; sometimes of smiles.

However you define flirting, effective techniques have a number of elements in common:

• an air of the unknown
• communication that both people understand
• communication that makes both participants feel special, understood, unique

• both people acting as a mirror for the other, reflecting the image of one’s best self.

So, is flirting an activity, a behaviour, or a way of life? Most people can’t quite put their finger on exactly what flirting is but many think that their lives would improve if only they were better at it. Flirting is an essential component of social and cultural behaviour, not merely a trick in need of polishing for Friday night

 

Flirting is a little word with a lot of baggage. For some it can mean just being friendly; others may regard flirting as sexual harassment. The end result could be a simple ego trip, a memorable or forgettable roll in the hay or the wedding march. The end goal of flirting defines how, when, and where the flirting happens. The desired outcome also dictates whether people flirt in packs or fly solo.

When there’s a goal in sight there’s always the chance you’ll miss it no matter how skilled you are. So, without the pressure of being expected to get the ball in the net, the game is just fun, isn’t it? But even in a fun setting there’s the underlying question of whether a flirt is a flirt or a friend, or a fake.

 

Flirting is not a universal language. What may work for one culture may not have the same effect elsewhere. While some aspects of flirting such as fluttering eyelashes, hair-twirling and head-tossing laughs may seem generic, there are many other facets of flirting that do not translate quite so directly. Even body language has its cultural variations. For example, touching a Londoner’s knee will almost certainly get you off on the wrong foot while touching a New Yorker’s knee might well get you a foot in the door.

 

If you want to learn more about what flirting is, have a look at my book, The Flirt Interpreter.

Have you still not joined my Flirtology community? Come on over!

 

 

Flirting tips

It’s Wednesday, which can only mean one thing…it’s Flirtology hump day!

Many of you know that I recently published my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

In this book, I explore how singles in the cities of N.Y., Paris, London and Stockholm flirt. Here is one of my favourite quotes about flirting from a London male, ‘Flirting is like an arms race. Start small and with any luck it goes nuclear.’ Can you tell he was ex-military?

Here are some important flirting tips:

• Focus on the other person and fine-tune your flirting style accordingly. You will be able to pick up important cues about them and develop rapport more quickly. You’ll also be attuned to when your charm is having the desired effect. Are they becoming more comfortable? Holding your gaze longer? Touching your arm, perhaps?
• By not focusing on yourself, you won’t feel self-conscious, because your attention is on the other person – an important feat in any culture!

• Some people view flirting as a fun way to pass the time, others take it very seriously. Make sure you know how the other person in your interaction views flirting.

Have you joined my Flirtology community yet? Come on over for loads of other great tips and tricks!