What do Men Want in a Relationship?

Yes, you have got it, it’s Flirtology Humpday!

A reader recently asked me, ‘What do men want in a relationship?’ This question is both easy and hard to answer. It is easy because what men want and what women want are not very different these days. It is hard because although it is easy to make generalizations, personal preference will always remain.

It was not so long ago that women had fewer choices in life. Our only path was to marry and have kids. Whilst there is still a way to go before we reach equality, at least now, mostly due to economic power, women do not have to passively wait to be chosen. (Please read previous posts on why women can ask men out and why men shouldn’t have to be the ones to always pay. With economic earning power, comes a shift in traditional gender roles.) Another advantage of modern society is that women can choose to remain single without the stigma of yore.

Ok, but how does this affect what men are looking for in a relationship? The genders do not work in isolation, which means men now are also able to have more freedom from the traditional expectations around finding ‘a good wife’.

In the past, the expectation of the woman in a relationship was to cook, clean, and make men a martini when they got home from work. Look at this little diddy that I found http://www.mentalfloss.com/article/52108/7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

These days, most men – at least the ones that I would want you to be in a relationship with, because I think you are awesome – are looking for an equal partner. They want someone whom they can laugh with, depend on, and have great sex with. They want someone whom will fit in with their friends and family, and who will make them look good in public.  Now, is that any different from what a woman wants? Have a look here at some recent research showing what men and women want in relationships.

Now for the hard part: individual preferences. Some men want a woman who does the domestic chores (What person wouldn’t? Cleaning is so boring!). Other men are happy to pitch in. Some men want a woman who likes to go out to social events, other men are looking for a partner who likes to stay in and play backgammon. The general comments made earlier,  about what men are looking, for remain true. However, it’s these individual preferences that make us fit with one person and not another. And that is how you find your true luuuuurvvve. As usual, my rule is to act like yourself, and you will attract someone who fits with you.

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If you Ever Forget how Good you Have it, refer to this…

The title says it all.

 

7-tips-keeping-your-man-1950s

 

 

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How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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How to Attract a Man, How to Attract a Woman

Surprise, I am posting on a Saturday night. I know a lot of you will go out tonight, hoping to meet the man or woman or your dreams (or someone to keep you warm!) In case you run out of ways to approach, just pull out this handy, dandy guide on how to make the opposite sex swoon. My personal favourite is, ‘You must be a parking ticket, because you’ve got fine written all over you.’ (Feel free to use it. I’d be honoured.)

 

Happy Flirting!

 

Pick up lines guaranteed to get you some action!

 

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How not to Look Needy or Desperate.

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

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What is Flirting?

It’s Wednesdays, and Wednesdays are boring, but Flirtology Hump Days aren’t!

What is Flirting? This is a question that I asked 250 single people whilst researching my book, ‘The Flirt Interpreter’.

Flirting is about starting conversations, about meeting people, about brightening

up someone’s day. We are social beings. We thrive on interaction — sometimes it’s an exchange of opinions; sometimes of ideas; sometimes of smiles.

However you define flirting, effective techniques have a number of elements in common:

• an air of the unknown
• communication that both people understand
• communication that makes both participants feel special, understood, unique

• both people acting as a mirror for the other, reflecting the image of one’s best self.

So, is flirting an activity, a behaviour, or a way of life? Most people can’t quite put their finger on exactly what flirting is but many think that their lives would improve if only they were better at it. Flirting is an essential component of social and cultural behaviour, not merely a trick in need of polishing for Friday night

 

Flirting is a little word with a lot of baggage. For some it can mean just being friendly; others may regard flirting as sexual harassment. The end result could be a simple ego trip, a memorable or forgettable roll in the hay or the wedding march. The end goal of flirting defines how, when, and where the flirting happens. The desired outcome also dictates whether people flirt in packs or fly solo.

When there’s a goal in sight there’s always the chance you’ll miss it no matter how skilled you are. So, without the pressure of being expected to get the ball in the net, the game is just fun, isn’t it? But even in a fun setting there’s the underlying question of whether a flirt is a flirt or a friend, or a fake.

 

Flirting is not a universal language. What may work for one culture may not have the same effect elsewhere. While some aspects of flirting such as fluttering eyelashes, hair-twirling and head-tossing laughs may seem generic, there are many other facets of flirting that do not translate quite so directly. Even body language has its cultural variations. For example, touching a Londoner’s knee will almost certainly get you off on the wrong foot while touching a New Yorker’s knee might well get you a foot in the door.

 

If you want to learn more about what flirting is, have a look at my book, The Flirt Interpreter.

Have you still not joined my Flirtology community? Come on over!

 

 

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Flirting tips

It’s Wednesday, which can only mean one thing…it’s Flirtology hump day!

Many of you know that I recently published my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

In this book, I explore how singles in the cities of N.Y., Paris, London and Stockholm flirt. Here is one of my favourite quotes about flirting from a London male, ‘Flirting is like an arms race. Start small and with any luck it goes nuclear.’ Can you tell he was ex-military?

Here are some important flirting tips:

• Focus on the other person and fine-tune your flirting style accordingly. You will be able to pick up important cues about them and develop rapport more quickly. You’ll also be attuned to when your charm is having the desired effect. Are they becoming more comfortable? Holding your gaze longer? Touching your arm, perhaps?
• By not focusing on yourself, you won’t feel self-conscious, because your attention is on the other person – an important feat in any culture!

• Some people view flirting as a fun way to pass the time, others take it very seriously. Make sure you know how the other person in your interaction views flirting.

Have you joined my Flirtology community yet? Come on over for loads of other great tips and tricks!

 

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How to be a Better Flirt

Yes, that’s right, it’s Wednesday, which means it’s Flirtology humpday! Why? Because Wednesdays are boring…

If you are one of those people who think they are not good at flirting because of circumstances from your past, you need to get over it. I say this with good intention because it is only holding you back. Not to mention, your perceived excuses, have little to do with reality.  Soz, it’s true. Read more in my earlier post.  I’ll let you in on a little secret. Hardly anyone is flirting with ease. It’s just your perception that everyone else can do it, but you can’t.  Don’t worry, they weren’t handing out flirting skills the day you called in sick. *Sighs with relief* So, now what?

Think back to when you started learning an instrument, or a language, or a new sport. Were you an expert straight away? Did you go though an awkward period where you weren’t very good? Of course you did. However, if you stuck with it, you gradually improved. The same is true for any of the social requirements of flirting; approaching, talking to strangers, small talk, exiting. The only difference is when it comes to matters of the heart, we don’t think of it as a skill that we can improve upon, we feel we should just know how to do it. And, when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s very hard to stay objective and logical about the process; emotions, egos, and vulnerability always seems to enter into the equation. The trick is not to let it.

Do you feel awkward smiling and asking the cute girl at the gallery a question? Of course you do, it’s because you aren’t used to doing it! Did you feel awkward asking your French teacher a question in French, when you just started learning? Again, of course you did, because you weren’t used to doing it. With practice, any skill can be improved upon. Malcolm Gladwell posits anyone can become an expert in anything after putting in 10,000 hours of practice. Wanna’ be an expert flirt? Better get cracking then!

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Why you aren’t Good at Flirting…

Yes, that’s right, it’s Wednesday, which means it’s Flirtology humpday! Why? Because Wednesdays are boring…

I probably haven’t met you yet. But, if you are reading this blog, chances are you aren’t good at flirting because, ‘I went to an all girls school’ or ‘My father left when I was young’ or ‘I preferred reading when I was younger to playing with the other kids’ or ‘We moved a lot when I was growing up’ or ‘(Fill in the blank here). Do you get my point?

As a Flirtologist, I am in the unique position to hear lots of peoples’ stories. Everyone thinks that they are not as good at flirting as everyone else. And, everyone thinks, everyone else, is having a much easier time than they are. Therefore, they fathom up reasons as to why. I have shared with you some of those reasons above, but the actual reason doesn’t even matter. What matters is that people hold onto these explanations to help defend themselves as to why they are not master flirts.

How’s this for another perspective? People who are good at flirting, meeting new people, quickly building rapport with strangers, and immune to rejection, are few and far between. They are the oddballs, not you! So, put away your stories/excuses/reasons as to what is holding you back from ‘being like everyone else’, because ‘everyone else’ is in your same position. So, if you accept this premise, then what should you do about improving? Don’t worry, I will tell you in the next post.

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Top 10 Flirting Tips

Hello flirting machines…

 

You wanted it, you got it. Another blog follower has asked for my best flirting tips. I am sharing these with you, with the understanding that you will use them with abandonment. Don’t let me down.

 

Jean’s Best Flirting Tips and Techniques 

 

1)     Make a good first impression

 

Studies have shown it takes only a few seconds to make a first impression.  Upon first meeting us, people pick up clues about us both consciously and subconsciously. They only know what we tell them, so project yourself in the way you’d like to be perceived. Follow these tips and techniques to make sure yours is a good one!

 

 

 

2)     Be confident

 

People are attracted to confidence. The good news is that even if you are not feeling confident on the inside, you can always fake it on the outside the outside by standing tall with your head held high. Soon, these physiological indicators for confidence, might just make you believe it yourself.

 

 

 

 

3)     Like yourself

 

If, as the most important person in your world, you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

 

 

4)     Smile

 

Smiles are easy to give and powerful to receive. Even when they are fake, the action of smiling produces oxytocin in the brain, promoting feelings of happiness.  Besides, everyone looks more approachable, and like someone we would like to be around, when they smile.

 

 

 

5)     Eye Contact

 

Eye contact is the most powerful flirting tool. In my research, it was the number one sign that made people understand when someone was flirting. The glances were more frequent, more intense, and lasted for longer. Women take note: it takes the average guy three looks before he begins to understand your interest.

 

 

 

6)     Touch

 

When used appropriately, touch can be very effective in flirting. As a general rule, shoulders and higher up on the arm are considered ‘safe’ areas, as we move down the arm towards the hand, touch becomes more intimate. A light tap on the hand might be the perfect flirting tool for you to try.

 

 

 

7)     Don’t be so quick to judge potential partners

 

Yes, looks are important, but how often have you started speaking with someone you weren’t initially attracted to, and they became a Greek god, before your very eyes!  There is more to you than just your looks, just as there is more to others’ than their outside shell. Find out what is on the inside before you make your decision

 

 

 

8)     We all like to be feel special

 

It’s not all about you! Change your ‘me’ centered world to one of ‘other’ and feel the pressure and self-consciousness melt away. Make the other person your first priority. Focus less on yourself and how you are feeling and put your attention on the other person.

 

 

 

9)     Take the ‘reject’ out of rejection

 

Rejection isn’t about you, it’s about the situation of the other person. Maybe they are tired, married, or you’re just not their type. The good news is that you are a million other people’s type … so go flirt with them!

 

 

 

10)  Flirting is fun!

 

Don’t look at flirting as something you are forced to do – flirting is a fun way to pass the time. Keep in light, fun, and pressure free. The only losers are those who don’t try…

 

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