How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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How not to Look Needy or Desperate.

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

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Why you aren’t Good at Flirting…

Yes, that’s right, it’s Wednesday, which means it’s Flirtology humpday! Why? Because Wednesdays are boring…

I probably haven’t met you yet. But, if you are reading this blog, chances are you aren’t good at flirting because, ‘I went to an all girls school’ or ‘My father left when I was young’ or ‘I preferred reading when I was younger to playing with the other kids’ or ‘We moved a lot when I was growing up’ or ‘(Fill in the blank here). Do you get my point?

As a Flirtologist, I am in the unique position to hear lots of peoples’ stories. Everyone thinks that they are not as good at flirting as everyone else. And, everyone thinks, everyone else, is having a much easier time than they are. Therefore, they fathom up reasons as to why. I have shared with you some of those reasons above, but the actual reason doesn’t even matter. What matters is that people hold onto these explanations to help defend themselves as to why they are not master flirts.

How’s this for another perspective? People who are good at flirting, meeting new people, quickly building rapport with strangers, and immune to rejection, are few and far between. They are the oddballs, not you! So, put away your stories/excuses/reasons as to what is holding you back from ‘being like everyone else’, because ‘everyone else’ is in your same position. So, if you accept this premise, then what should you do about improving? Don’t worry, I will tell you in the next post.

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Top 10 Flirting Tips

Hello flirting machines…

 

You wanted it, you got it. Another blog follower has asked for my best flirting tips. I am sharing these with you, with the understanding that you will use them with abandonment. Don’t let me down.

 

Jean’s Best Flirting Tips and Techniques 

 

1)     Make a good first impression

 

Studies have shown it takes only a few seconds to make a first impression.  Upon first meeting us, people pick up clues about us both consciously and subconsciously. They only know what we tell them, so project yourself in the way you’d like to be perceived. Follow these tips and techniques to make sure yours is a good one!

 

 

 

2)     Be confident

 

People are attracted to confidence. The good news is that even if you are not feeling confident on the inside, you can always fake it on the outside the outside by standing tall with your head held high. Soon, these physiological indicators for confidence, might just make you believe it yourself.

 

 

 

 

3)     Like yourself

 

If, as the most important person in your world, you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

 

 

4)     Smile

 

Smiles are easy to give and powerful to receive. Even when they are fake, the action of smiling produces oxytocin in the brain, promoting feelings of happiness.  Besides, everyone looks more approachable, and like someone we would like to be around, when they smile.

 

 

 

5)     Eye Contact

 

Eye contact is the most powerful flirting tool. In my research, it was the number one sign that made people understand when someone was flirting. The glances were more frequent, more intense, and lasted for longer. Women take note: it takes the average guy three looks before he begins to understand your interest.

 

 

 

6)     Touch

 

When used appropriately, touch can be very effective in flirting. As a general rule, shoulders and higher up on the arm are considered ‘safe’ areas, as we move down the arm towards the hand, touch becomes more intimate. A light tap on the hand might be the perfect flirting tool for you to try.

 

 

 

7)     Don’t be so quick to judge potential partners

 

Yes, looks are important, but how often have you started speaking with someone you weren’t initially attracted to, and they became a Greek god, before your very eyes!  There is more to you than just your looks, just as there is more to others’ than their outside shell. Find out what is on the inside before you make your decision

 

 

 

8)     We all like to be feel special

 

It’s not all about you! Change your ‘me’ centered world to one of ‘other’ and feel the pressure and self-consciousness melt away. Make the other person your first priority. Focus less on yourself and how you are feeling and put your attention on the other person.

 

 

 

9)     Take the ‘reject’ out of rejection

 

Rejection isn’t about you, it’s about the situation of the other person. Maybe they are tired, married, or you’re just not their type. The good news is that you are a million other people’s type … so go flirt with them!

 

 

 

10)  Flirting is fun!

 

Don’t look at flirting as something you are forced to do – flirting is a fun way to pass the time. Keep in light, fun, and pressure free. The only losers are those who don’t try…

 

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 5

Hey all! Here is this week’s flirting info via Flirtology Hump day.  Hopefully it can bring a little sunshine to your boring, midweek hump. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!

This is the fifth, and last post in the ‘How to Talk to Strangers’ series. This means, I will need some new ideas from you! My dear followers, what sort of questions do you have? Is there a topic that you are interested in? I would love to hear from you.

The last point I will discuss is a question that I am frequently asked, ‘How do I break into groups?’ This is not to be confused with a post I wrote earlier, which is ‘How can I speak with someone who is in a group?’. You can find the answer to that one here.

There are 4 main steps to entering into a group:

1. Find an opening in the group where there is a little space; remember, you are inserting yourself in physically as well as mentally.
2. Make eye contact and smile with whomever you can in the group.
3. Don’t say anything straight away, but listen to whomever is speaking.
4. On the other hand, don’t wait too long to say something. Add a comment to the current conversation topic to make your involvement in the group official.
5. You’re in!

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 4

This is the fourth post in the ‘How to Talk to Strangers’ series. How is it going? Have you all been turned into socializing ninjas by now? No? Don’t worry, you will have after this next post…

In the meantime, I have compiled a crib sheet of suggested conversation starters that you can use in a number of different situations. As a disclaimer, they all sound dorky outside of their context, but the idea is that if you are in these situations and you stumble upon someone with whom you’d like to speak, you will remember these suggestions. A couple things to remember: open-ended questions are best, as they allow the conversation to last longer than two seconds, and it’s always nice to ask a question that lets the other person give their opinion because it makes them feel special. This is what flirting is all about, making people feel special. Finally, if you can add a little of your own personality into the question and not make it so business-like, you have a better chance of making a connection more quickly.

On the street:

• Can you tell me where the nearest tube station is?
• Do you know of any good cafes, pubs, Italian restaurants around here?
• Can you point me to the nearest cookie/ice-cream, chocolatiers? My sweet tooth is winning this argument.
• I am looking for a shirt for my brother/sister, do you have any suggestions as to where I might start?

Grocery Store:

• Have you ever tried this product before?
• I am going to a dinner party and have no idea what kind of wine to choose?
• What is the vegetable and how do I cook it?
• Do you think the store brand is as good as the name brand?
• Which do you prefer, this one or that one?
• Please help me, I don’t know what to have for dinner tonight. (If said with a winsome smile, this could totally work!)

Bar/pub

• ‘Hi Dave!’ (It’s probably not Dave, but it doesn’t matter)
• ‘Hi, I’m Jean’ (Insert your own name here)
• Is it always this busy in here?
• Do you know who this d.j. is?
• Have you been served yet?
• You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

After asking any of the above questions, follow-up with another question. Do not become disheartened if it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to. What I have found, is that people have bad expectations at the beginning of the approach, so they don’t realise the other person is quite happy to talk to them. And, you know my rule: if someone is not happy talking to you, then go find someone who is!

Please vote in our poll so we can collect some more flirting data.

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 2

In my last post, I discussed ways to turn a stressful event, where you don’t know anyone, into a Mardi Gras celebration, albeit one where you keep your top on. The following post is a list of ways to help you start a conversation. I often hear people say, ‘Once I am in the conversation, I am fine. It’s just knowing how to start it, that is problematic.’

The next time you are at a social gathering where you don’t know anyone, you can whip out these openers and feel comfortable.

• Do you know anyone here?
• What brings you to this event?
• This is my first time here, is it always so popular?
• How did you hear about this?
• How do you know Mr. X?

When you add these opening lines to the tips I gave you in the last post, giving you advice on when to arrive and where to stand, you will surely be at ease, and the star of any party. If you remember, one tip from the previous post was to stand by the food and drinks table. It’s a much easier place to begin a ‘natural’ conversation, much more so than striding across a room and saying, ‘hi!’. Besides making comments about the food and drink, another way to ‘feel out’ receptive people is to walk around with a glass in your hand and a big smile on your face. Anyone who smiles back is receptive. Then you can say, ‘Hi, I am xxx. So, what brings you to this event?’

Right, who wants to go to a party? Please vote in the poll below! 

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How to talk with strangers: Part 1

I have just realised that you all like to scour for flirting info on Wednesdays, why not? After all, ‘hump days’ are the most boring day of the week. Therefore, I pledge to bring you interesting and relevant flirting info, via Flirtology Hump days, every Wednesday, from here on out. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!

Let’s face it, for some people a trip to the dentist is more enticing than attending a social event where we don’t know anyone. Here are 5 tips to ensure we spend the evening having interesting discussions and making meaningful connections, and not making countless trips to the restroom for all the wrong reasons.

1) Arrive early– This gives you a chance to get to know the other ‘early-comers’ in a relaxed, and less hectic atmosphere. As other people begin to arrive, you will have the added advantage of being able to meet more and more people. Which is more manageable, a room full of 5 strangers or a room full of 50?

2) Do not sit – Your legs may be tired, you may be wearing killer heels (in many ways) but resist the urge to grab a chair. You limit your chances for encounters if you are sitting. Not to mention, graceful exits are harder to implement when you are sitting.

3) Stand in the centre of the room – Similar to sitting, standing in corners is not conducive to meeting people. In the centre, you can have more contact with people.

4) Hang out by the food and drinks This is a natural space to begin conversations with people. It’s much easier to sidle up to someone at the buffet and say, ‘This potato salad looks just like the one my Aunt Ethel used to make,’ then it is to stride across the room and say it (which, I am not recommending!)

5) Wear something comfortable – Don’t wear your new shoes, the uncomfortable undergarments, or the tight necktie. In order to be comfortable in social settings you must, literally, be comfortable!

In the next post, we will discuss conversation openers…

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Signs of Attraction: Proximity

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I am revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, the next one: Proximity.

The respondents said they used proximity in two ways to tell if someone was flirting with them.

1) If the person whom they’d been exchanging looks with had moved to a location that was now nearer to them, it was a good sign that the person was interested. Good point; making eyes from across the room can only get you so far.

2) Once engaged in conversation, if the other person was standing nearer to you than necessary, it was also a good sign that they were interested. As one London female said, ‘They invade your personal space; you either mind or you don’t’.

If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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The Signs of Attraction: Touch

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I am revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, the next one: Touch.

It is essential to life: newborn babies die without it! The act of touching and being touched stimulates our rewards centre. Oh yes, when done right, touch makes us feel good! As a general rule, the top part of the arm and shoulder are ‘safe’ places to touch. As we stroll down the length of the arm towards the hand, the touch becomes more intimate. A slight tap of the hand, combined with a compliment and smile can go a long way towards charming your flirting companion.

Numerous studies have been done on the power of touch. Library goers rated the entire library more highly when the librarian slightly touched their hands, whilst returning their library cards. Waitresses got 15% higher tips when they lightly touched their customers arms whilst handing them the bill. Oh yes, this stuff works. And, according to my research into flirting behaviour, it is also a very good indicator to people that you are flirting with them. As long as you are aware of the impact you are having, i.e. you touch them and they shrivel away from you, touch is a great thing.

If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out the chapters on touch in my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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