How not to Look Needy or Desperate.

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

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Your Worst Flirting mistake…

Another boring Wednesday, another Flirtology hump day to the rescue!

Recently, a client of mine went on a date. She didn’t just bring her ‘A-game’, she also brought a long list of expectations. These were expectations about how she hoped her date would act, how the date would go, and what would happen at the next stage. This was all before even meeting the guy. Do you know what? She came home disappointed. Nothing went as she had ‘planned’. Does this sound familiar? For example, perhaps when you approach someone, you have certain expectations of that person. Or, maybe these expectations are what hold you back from ever approaching anyone.

Let me present to you an alternate scenario. Imagine that you have no expectations or goals when you enter into this dating/flirting arena. Instead, you just let things unfold. You don’t think about the future, a tense that we have no control over anyway. Instead, you are in that very moment. You are listening, you are aware, and you don’t try to control the other person’s thoughts, words, and actions. Instead, you just let things unfold as they were meant to. What would that be like? Do you think you would come away feeling disappointed?

Try starting each interaction without expectations and see what a difference it makes.

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Why you aren’t Good at Flirting…

Yes, that’s right, it’s Wednesday, which means it’s Flirtology humpday! Why? Because Wednesdays are boring…

I probably haven’t met you yet. But, if you are reading this blog, chances are you aren’t good at flirting because, ‘I went to an all girls school’ or ‘My father left when I was young’ or ‘I preferred reading when I was younger to playing with the other kids’ or ‘We moved a lot when I was growing up’ or ‘(Fill in the blank here). Do you get my point?

As a Flirtologist, I am in the unique position to hear lots of peoples’ stories. Everyone thinks that they are not as good at flirting as everyone else. And, everyone thinks, everyone else, is having a much easier time than they are. Therefore, they fathom up reasons as to why. I have shared with you some of those reasons above, but the actual reason doesn’t even matter. What matters is that people hold onto these explanations to help defend themselves as to why they are not master flirts.

How’s this for another perspective? People who are good at flirting, meeting new people, quickly building rapport with strangers, and immune to rejection, are few and far between. They are the oddballs, not you! So, put away your stories/excuses/reasons as to what is holding you back from ‘being like everyone else’, because ‘everyone else’ is in your same position. So, if you accept this premise, then what should you do about improving? Don’t worry, I will tell you in the next post.

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 5

Hey all! Here is this week’s flirting info via Flirtology Hump day.  Hopefully it can bring a little sunshine to your boring, midweek hump. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!

This is the fifth, and last post in the ‘How to Talk to Strangers’ series. This means, I will need some new ideas from you! My dear followers, what sort of questions do you have? Is there a topic that you are interested in? I would love to hear from you.

The last point I will discuss is a question that I am frequently asked, ‘How do I break into groups?’ This is not to be confused with a post I wrote earlier, which is ‘How can I speak with someone who is in a group?’. You can find the answer to that one here.

There are 4 main steps to entering into a group:

1. Find an opening in the group where there is a little space; remember, you are inserting yourself in physically as well as mentally.
2. Make eye contact and smile with whomever you can in the group.
3. Don’t say anything straight away, but listen to whomever is speaking.
4. On the other hand, don’t wait too long to say something. Add a comment to the current conversation topic to make your involvement in the group official.
5. You’re in!

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 4

This is the fourth post in the ‘How to Talk to Strangers’ series. How is it going? Have you all been turned into socializing ninjas by now? No? Don’t worry, you will have after this next post…

In the meantime, I have compiled a crib sheet of suggested conversation starters that you can use in a number of different situations. As a disclaimer, they all sound dorky outside of their context, but the idea is that if you are in these situations and you stumble upon someone with whom you’d like to speak, you will remember these suggestions. A couple things to remember: open-ended questions are best, as they allow the conversation to last longer than two seconds, and it’s always nice to ask a question that lets the other person give their opinion because it makes them feel special. This is what flirting is all about, making people feel special. Finally, if you can add a little of your own personality into the question and not make it so business-like, you have a better chance of making a connection more quickly.

On the street:

• Can you tell me where the nearest tube station is?
• Do you know of any good cafes, pubs, Italian restaurants around here?
• Can you point me to the nearest cookie/ice-cream, chocolatiers? My sweet tooth is winning this argument.
• I am looking for a shirt for my brother/sister, do you have any suggestions as to where I might start?

Grocery Store:

• Have you ever tried this product before?
• I am going to a dinner party and have no idea what kind of wine to choose?
• What is the vegetable and how do I cook it?
• Do you think the store brand is as good as the name brand?
• Which do you prefer, this one or that one?
• Please help me, I don’t know what to have for dinner tonight. (If said with a winsome smile, this could totally work!)

Bar/pub

• ‘Hi Dave!’ (It’s probably not Dave, but it doesn’t matter)
• ‘Hi, I’m Jean’ (Insert your own name here)
• Is it always this busy in here?
• Do you know who this d.j. is?
• Have you been served yet?
• You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

After asking any of the above questions, follow-up with another question. Do not become disheartened if it doesn’t go the way you wanted it to. What I have found, is that people have bad expectations at the beginning of the approach, so they don’t realise the other person is quite happy to talk to them. And, you know my rule: if someone is not happy talking to you, then go find someone who is!

Please vote in our poll so we can collect some more flirting data.

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How to Talk to Strangers: Part 2

In my last post, I discussed ways to turn a stressful event, where you don’t know anyone, into a Mardi Gras celebration, albeit one where you keep your top on. The following post is a list of ways to help you start a conversation. I often hear people say, ‘Once I am in the conversation, I am fine. It’s just knowing how to start it, that is problematic.’

The next time you are at a social gathering where you don’t know anyone, you can whip out these openers and feel comfortable.

• Do you know anyone here?
• What brings you to this event?
• This is my first time here, is it always so popular?
• How did you hear about this?
• How do you know Mr. X?

When you add these opening lines to the tips I gave you in the last post, giving you advice on when to arrive and where to stand, you will surely be at ease, and the star of any party. If you remember, one tip from the previous post was to stand by the food and drinks table. It’s a much easier place to begin a ‘natural’ conversation, much more so than striding across a room and saying, ‘hi!’. Besides making comments about the food and drink, another way to ‘feel out’ receptive people is to walk around with a glass in your hand and a big smile on your face. Anyone who smiles back is receptive. Then you can say, ‘Hi, I am xxx. So, what brings you to this event?’

Right, who wants to go to a party? Please vote in the poll below! 

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How to talk with strangers: Part 1

I have just realised that you all like to scour for flirting info on Wednesdays, why not? After all, ‘hump days’ are the most boring day of the week. Therefore, I pledge to bring you interesting and relevant flirting info, via Flirtology Hump days, every Wednesday, from here on out. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!

Let’s face it, for some people a trip to the dentist is more enticing than attending a social event where we don’t know anyone. Here are 5 tips to ensure we spend the evening having interesting discussions and making meaningful connections, and not making countless trips to the restroom for all the wrong reasons.

1) Arrive early– This gives you a chance to get to know the other ‘early-comers’ in a relaxed, and less hectic atmosphere. As other people begin to arrive, you will have the added advantage of being able to meet more and more people. Which is more manageable, a room full of 5 strangers or a room full of 50?

2) Do not sit – Your legs may be tired, you may be wearing killer heels (in many ways) but resist the urge to grab a chair. You limit your chances for encounters if you are sitting. Not to mention, graceful exits are harder to implement when you are sitting.

3) Stand in the centre of the room – Similar to sitting, standing in corners is not conducive to meeting people. In the centre, you can have more contact with people.

4) Hang out by the food and drinks This is a natural space to begin conversations with people. It’s much easier to sidle up to someone at the buffet and say, ‘This potato salad looks just like the one my Aunt Ethel used to make,’ then it is to stride across the room and say it (which, I am not recommending!)

5) Wear something comfortable – Don’t wear your new shoes, the uncomfortable undergarments, or the tight necktie. In order to be comfortable in social settings you must, literally, be comfortable!

In the next post, we will discuss conversation openers…

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The Flirt Coach

 

Hey guys, this Wednesday, the Flirtology Hump Day post is a little different. The folks over at Readwave asked me to submit a short story, so I wrote this for them. It seems the community quite liked it and it became a trending article which meant it was moved to the home page. I hope you like it to and would welcome your feedback.

She is sitting across from me. She is pretty, smart, successful and dying to meet a man; perhaps it’s because she knows her clock is ticking, maybe it’s familial pressure, or maybe, just maybe, it is because she has been single for so long, that she believes her own fable that her life will be perfect, if only she had a partner.

I know her well, even though we have just met a few moments ago.  I am the flirt coach and she is not the first, or the last, woman who will be sitting in that same chair. I want to shake her and tell her so many things: ‘you don’t need a partner to start being happy. Start living your life now; don’t pass on the chore of your happiness to someone else.’ Or ‘If you think once you have a partner your problems are solved and you won’t be lonely anymore, you are crazy. You might not be lonely, but you will have a whole host of other things to have to contend with, trust me!’

Sometimes, I do say these things, but usually I wait until they get to know me better. I have to show my intent is from the heart and comes from a place of love before I can get so blunt. I am the flirt coach, after all, not an insensitive brute.

In our fast-paced, instantaneous society, we can get whatever we want, whenever we want. Isn’t that the line we’ve been sold? Perhaps this applies to dry-cleaning, but it certainly doesn’t to love. This is one area, where instant access, does not apply, at least not if you want to do it properly. And these ambitious, successful, beautiful women are finally faced with a problem they can’t solve. Some of them try and throw money at it by outsourcing any ‘effort’ required to introduction agencies. I have to explain that you can’t leave something like this to a group of strangers, and that meeting someone is not as simple as a financial transaction. At least not for the type of role they are looking to fill. Others while away what little free time they have, turning to a lonely screen, stuck in the confines of their empty flat.

The picture I paint is depressing, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It is simply the road we have been told to follow, paved in its cheap, sparkly, discounted glitter. What’s the other option? Don’t go down that road; take the other path. When they try and usher you down it, under the guise of ‘your best interest’ and ‘everyone else is doing it’. Run, don’t walk, over to my path. It’s the path where you don’t need a partner to be happy, because your happiness and having a partner, are not mutually exclusive. Besides, another person is not responsible for your happiness; you are! Don’t mistake my words; I believe it is fine to have a partner, as long as you don’t put your life on hold until he comes around, and as long as you want a partner for the right reasons. A man is not a band-aid for your self-inflicted wounds that have never quite healed. He won’t fix everything just by his chromosomal presence. Although, you might want to check in advance if he is any good with a hammer.

So, when she sits across from me, already halfway down the cheap glitter road, although the glitter in her eyes is unmistakably absent, I urge her to try an alternate path, one where you can be happy, regardless of your co-habitation situation. As long as you know that you are the only one you need, you are the only one who can bring yourself happiness, than you are fine, whether you are single or coupled. True, most people won’t try this path; it’s just too different. It doesn’t have sparkles, and none of their friends are on it. But, take it from the flirt coach, it’s the path you want to be on. (And it has unlimited Haagen Daz, but don’t spread that around!)

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Signs of Attraction: Humour

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I am revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, the next one: Humour.

Let’s face it, people like to laugh. (All except the Parisians, they were much more interested in having intellectual, thought-provoking discussions). In most of the cities where I did my flirting research, when it came to humour, being funny was a male domain. As in, ‘I like it when she laughs at my bad jokes.’ There was one exception, that was New York. Here, humour was an equal opportunity sport. As one guy said, ‘She will say something funny and then I will say something funny.’ and another, ‘I can tell we are flirting because we will make each other laugh.’ Regardless of who is telling the jokes, almost everyone said that humour had a big part in flirting and attraction. Like touch, laughter also stimulates the reward centre in our brains. It produces oxytocin, a liking enhancer. As a bonus, when we are in this state, whomever is in our paths, will reap the benefits. Read: Be around people who are laughing and in good moods and you will reap the benefits.

If you want to learn more about humour, have a look at the Laugh Lab, an experiment conducted by psychologist Richard Wiseman

If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out the chapters on humour in my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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Signs of Attraction: Attention

Hey followers! I have just realised that you all like to scour for flirting info on Wednesdays, why not? After all, ‘hump days’ are the most boring day of the week. Therefore, I pledge to bring you interesting and relevant flirting info, via Flirtology Hump days, every Wednesday, from here on out. Keep your questions coming; I am here to serve!

 

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I am revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, today’s blog is about attention

In my research, people said they were able to gauge how much attention they were getting as a sign of someone’s interest. This was especially helpful when flirting was done in groups, like it often was in London. They said they could tell they were being flirted with, if they ‘were the ones being told the story’ when in comparison to the rest of the group. Oh yes, London is the land of un-obvious flirting, so any little extra bit of information helps. In regards to attention, people said they could also tell if the person ignores their friends and gives them all the attention, or keeps coming back and forth between them and the group they came with.

This might seem like an obvious one, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it is really hard to be objective. This is why it might be useful to engage the help of a switched on friend.

If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out the signs of attraction in my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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