How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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How not to Look Needy or Desperate.

Wednesdays are boring, which is why there is Flirtology Hump day!

You will probably recognize the scene: you went out with a really cool guy that you actually fancied. (How long has it been since that’s happened?!) You didn’t exactly secure a second date whilst on the first one, but that is fine. You should wait a few days before sending a follow up email. Chances are if he really likes you, he will contact you first. However, we can’t always rely on that rule. Until a male is well and truly ‘reeled in’ he can be pretty ambivalent. After all, unlike you ,who is planning your future together (slow down honey, it was only one date!) He is carrying on living his life. And, so should you! However, it’s fine to send a breezy email a few days later. But, if there is even a hint of desperation, the game is over. You’ve blown it.

Here is an email from one of my clients (with her permission) on what not to do. Thankfully, she sent it to me first to help edit, so she ended up getting a second date. After I showed her my version, she said, ‘Aha, no wonder I never get any second dates when I send emails!’. I will show the un-edited version first, and then explain how it needs to be changed.

” Hi ‘cute guy who I want to go out with again’ (not his real name),

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum. If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

Hope to see you again soon…

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed. Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KeG_i8CWE8

 

Here is the one that I edited:

 

Hi ‘Cute guy who I want to go out with again’,

Hope you’re not working too hard and that you’re actually getting to enjoy the sun this weekend!

I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you this week.  It’s really refreshing to meet someone with an appreciation for arts and culture…not to mention, so well read and can cook! (very impressive)

(I would take out the last part, starting from ‘Not to mention…very impressive’ It’s too much. One compliment is enough)

I get the sense that I might not be your type, but it would still be lovely to have a new friend to do the arts and culture stuff with.

(Take this out!!!! You don’t know anything about this guy. He is a stranger minus 3 hours. Why would you think he doesn’t like you? Why would you put yourself in the friend category already?)

So, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up and go to a late night opening at a museum

(I would give him two specific options.  Do some research and present to him which nights the event is on.)

 If so, just let me know which nights you are free and I’ll look up our options.

(Never give him an open calendar. This means you either have no life, or would be willing to cancel everything for a complete stranger. )

Hope to see you again soon…

(Take this out…too needy. Just put ‘kind regards’)

 

PS – As promised, here’s that funny football video we discussed.

 

Hope you laugh at it as much as I did…

(I would take out the ‘hope you laugh..did’. In the context of the email, it sounds a little needy. We don’t want ANY signs of neediness/desperation here.)

 

Do you see the difference in the two emails? One is needy and desperate and the other is light and breezy. I understand that if you don’t have anyone to point these things out to you, then it is easy to make mistakes. However, I am here for you. Just contact me.

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Top 10 Flirting Tips

Hello flirting machines…

 

You wanted it, you got it. Another blog follower has asked for my best flirting tips. I am sharing these with you, with the understanding that you will use them with abandonment. Don’t let me down.

 

Jean’s Best Flirting Tips and Techniques 

 

1)     Make a good first impression

 

Studies have shown it takes only a few seconds to make a first impression.  Upon first meeting us, people pick up clues about us both consciously and subconsciously. They only know what we tell them, so project yourself in the way you’d like to be perceived. Follow these tips and techniques to make sure yours is a good one!

 

 

 

2)     Be confident

 

People are attracted to confidence. The good news is that even if you are not feeling confident on the inside, you can always fake it on the outside the outside by standing tall with your head held high. Soon, these physiological indicators for confidence, might just make you believe it yourself.

 

 

 

 

3)     Like yourself

 

If, as the most important person in your world, you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

 

 

4)     Smile

 

Smiles are easy to give and powerful to receive. Even when they are fake, the action of smiling produces oxytocin in the brain, promoting feelings of happiness.  Besides, everyone looks more approachable, and like someone we would like to be around, when they smile.

 

 

 

5)     Eye Contact

 

Eye contact is the most powerful flirting tool. In my research, it was the number one sign that made people understand when someone was flirting. The glances were more frequent, more intense, and lasted for longer. Women take note: it takes the average guy three looks before he begins to understand your interest.

 

 

 

6)     Touch

 

When used appropriately, touch can be very effective in flirting. As a general rule, shoulders and higher up on the arm are considered ‘safe’ areas, as we move down the arm towards the hand, touch becomes more intimate. A light tap on the hand might be the perfect flirting tool for you to try.

 

 

 

7)     Don’t be so quick to judge potential partners

 

Yes, looks are important, but how often have you started speaking with someone you weren’t initially attracted to, and they became a Greek god, before your very eyes!  There is more to you than just your looks, just as there is more to others’ than their outside shell. Find out what is on the inside before you make your decision

 

 

 

8)     We all like to be feel special

 

It’s not all about you! Change your ‘me’ centered world to one of ‘other’ and feel the pressure and self-consciousness melt away. Make the other person your first priority. Focus less on yourself and how you are feeling and put your attention on the other person.

 

 

 

9)     Take the ‘reject’ out of rejection

 

Rejection isn’t about you, it’s about the situation of the other person. Maybe they are tired, married, or you’re just not their type. The good news is that you are a million other people’s type … so go flirt with them!

 

 

 

10)  Flirting is fun!

 

Don’t look at flirting as something you are forced to do – flirting is a fun way to pass the time. Keep in light, fun, and pressure free. The only losers are those who don’t try…

 

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Is Online Dating Effective?

Society is never stagnant. It is constantly moving and changing based on how peoples’ attitudes move and change. It’s quite amazing, really. If there is a gap to be filled as we ebb and flow, we find a solution. The way singles meet each other has had to change, and in this area, I think we still have some work to do; our current solutions are just not good enough.

In a way, the world has become smaller. There are now flights to almost any country in the world.  The media has made it possible for us to get a glimpse into people in other countries’ lives, especially useful if you want to know about peoples’ lives in the world’s richest countries. (Note to self: Don’t be cynical, Jean. It’s really not sexy. ) But where the world has become bigger, is when it comes to the reliance on the best matchmakers, our families and friends. We move away from them as we change cities and countries, and most of use don’t have this luxury these days.

Without the assistance of these helpers, where does this leave our modern day singletons? Let’s look at the options for singles these days:

1) Online dating – bleurgh, no thanks. I know! Let’s create a system where we can only match people based on superficial traits, that fit in a tick box, like height, income, weight. And then we will deem, completely irrelevant, the most important aspects of a person, the ones that can only be determined in person, not boxes: kindness, generosity, chemistry, twinkle in eyes.

2) Introduction agencies – Whilst trying to mimic how people traditionally were matched, these people are not your mother or your neighbour; you’re lucky if they’ve spent 20 minutes with you. Nice try, but my pet llama could probably get you a better match rate.

3) Manufactured singles events – Option A: you are thrown into a room with other people who are single (Self-conscious much? Don’t worry, they don’t think you’re needy or desperate) Option B: Better yet, you are timed, by stopwatch, to talk to a person for 3 minutes. It’s ok, in this fast-paced, superficial world, 3 minutes is all you need anyway. (Yikes, there you go again, Jean. Not cool!)

I am sorry, but I get frustrated for all the singles out there. Listen up people, it is not you, it’s the system! I had a private client come to me last week because she just wanted to learn how to not feel anxious and stressed out about going to social events like the above. Like it wouldn’t be normal to feel anxious and stressed when attending these type of events. It’s a completely artificial and unnatural set up. You would have to be a robot to feel completely at ease in any of these situations.

So, where do you meet people? Hint: Not in manufactured situations and not in the hands of strangers! The key is to get out there; you are in charge of your destiny. And, you will have the most success by stacking the odds in your favour.  How will you do that? I’ll tell you in my next post. I know, I’m such a tease.

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How to Continue being Single

Yesterday, because I have a tendency to be nosy, I emailed a friend of a friend to ask her how her single’s party went. She replied that she and a friend walked in, only saw ‘short, bald guys’ and made a quick getaway. This had me perplexed. Did short, bald guys have a reputation as being mean, stingy, and selfish, and I just wasn’t aware of it? And, frankly speaking, this woman was certainly no Gwyneth Paltrow, so why did she assume that she ‘deserved’ someone taller and with more hair?

As someone who has made a career out of helping people find partners, three things frustrate me to no end when it comes to people’s attitudes towards others. And, yes, while they frustrate me, they are also major stumbling blocks for them, when trying to find a compatible match.

1.  Focused on the wrong traits

I hate to say it, but women seem to be much more superficial than men in this process. He wears one bad pair of shoes and he’s automatically discounted. People (ahem, women) should start putting more importance on inner beauty, rather than outer beauty. I really can’t believe I am having to say this. In twenty years time, everyone will be bald, but only the kind, generous and caring ones will still be kind, generous, and caring. Hey, my husband wore a selection of neon coloured fleeces when I first met him. Thank god I didn’t let that stop me, although I did make him give the fleeces to the charity shop.

2.  I don’t see anyone I like

The classic line, as she sweeps her eyes across a full room is, “I don’t see anyone I like.” I should first mention, that the room is usually dark in most of these venues, so I am not surprised she doesn’t see anyone she likes, because she can’t see anyone! This statement is, firstly, used as a defense mechanism. As in, ‘If I don’t see anyone I like, than I don’t have to meet anyone and then the (insert as needed) terrible break-ups, cheating,  apathy, won’t happen.’

The other problem with judging an entire room of people in one swift glance is that you are only seeing a person one dimensionally. We all know people who aren’t necessarily attractive to us initially, but after being in their company, they transform into Brad Pitt before our very eyes. With these snap judgements, based on one small aspect of a complete package, we miss out on the other 99% of what a person has to offer.

3.  Not giving people a chance

This brings me to my last point, people just don’t seem to give people a chance. In our fast-paced, ADD world, no one has time anymore. After one date, if there was no chemistry, he was boring, or he, god forbid, didn’t offer to pay the entire bill, than he is written off as ‘undesirable’ and she moves quickly on to the next. But, really, how long does it take to get to know someone? I will propose that it’s more than one, high-pressured, high intensity, date! This is especially true for London, a place that is renowned for their ‘slow-burning’ men.

The next time someone moans to me about being single and complains ‘there are no men out there’ I will refer her to my blog post and infer that possibly she might be the problem.

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