How to Get a Boyfriend

It’s Flirtology hump day, and your weekly dose of the truth.

The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…

STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.

So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.

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The Signs of Attraction: Touch

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I am revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, the next one: Touch.

It is essential to life: newborn babies die without it! The act of touching and being touched stimulates our rewards centre. Oh yes, when done right, touch makes us feel good! As a general rule, the top part of the arm and shoulder are ‘safe’ places to touch. As we stroll down the length of the arm towards the hand, the touch becomes more intimate. A slight tap of the hand, combined with a compliment and smile can go a long way towards charming your flirting companion.

Numerous studies have been done on the power of touch. Library goers rated the entire library more highly when the librarian slightly touched their hands, whilst returning their library cards. Waitresses got 15% higher tips when they lightly touched their customers arms whilst handing them the bill. Oh yes, this stuff works. And, according to my research into flirting behaviour, it is also a very good indicator to people that you are flirting with them. As long as you are aware of the impact you are having, i.e. you touch them and they shrivel away from you, touch is a great thing.

If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out the chapters on touch in my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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The Signs of Attraction: Body Language

Whilst researching the flirting behaviour of 250 single people in the cities of London, N.Y., Paris and Stockholm, I discovered there were 6 signs indicating when someone was attracted to another. I will be revealing these 6 signs in the next series of blog posts, starting with the first one: Body Language.

The science of body language is fascinating, and can be a very useful tool in communication. What is not said in an interaction is often the most important information. And, sometimes, as much as we want to hide our true feelings, our bodies are constantly giving away ‘leaks’, or truths about how we are really feeling. Having the skills to read body language can help you understand what someone is really thinking and can help you become more aware of the message that you are sending to others.

So, how can one become good at this?

1) It goes back to the one of my favourite mantras, ‘It’s not all about you’. Put your focus away from yourself and onto the other person. You can’t read the subtle and informative cues of a slight frown, a nervous rocking, or a clenched fist, if you are focused on yourself.

2) Look at the feet. Even the most seasoned politicians can only control so much of their body language. You can’t control the tone, words, facial expression, shoulders, hands, and the feet all at once, somethings gotta’ give! The furthur away our body parts are from the brain, the harder it is to control them. By the time we get to the feet, the control is lost. Do you want to know if someone is happy to stay in the conversation with you? Look at where their feet are pointing, if it’s directly towards you, this is a very good sign. If one or both feet are pointed away, you had better do some fast talking, or let them go.

Body language. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Body language. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3) If you are dealing with someone who has crossed arms, do something to make them uncross. Drop a pencil and ask them to pick it up, change locations, give them a hug, anything! Closed body means closed mind. You will never get someone on side if their arms are crossed. When I point this out, many people reply, ‘But, it’s comfortable’ or ‘I’m cold.’ If you are trying to make a good impression, it’s not about you. It’s about appearing open and on side with the other person and that barrier you are putting between you will not help.
4) Finally, be aware of your own body language. It’s useful deciphering what others’ are thinking, but are you aware of the signals that you are subconsciously sending out? Do you realise that your right hand is always in a fist? Or, that you constantly cross your arms? It might be a good idea to ask your friends if they’ve noticed any disconcerting postural habits.

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If this was interesting to you, you might want to check out the chapters on Body Language in my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.

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Debunking the Dating Myths: Women Should not ask out Men

Society creates, adapts, and discards, traditions and rituals, depending on how they help serve society at different times during its trajectory. As I alluded to in an earlier post, in the past, men traditionally asked out women because they had the money, and the cars, to do so. As the higher-earning gender, it was expected that with the choice of whom to ask out, they also had the privilege of paying for it. Society has moved away from that model. In my line of work I meet many, high-flying, executive women, who make bags of money and have bags of confidence. Why shouldn’t they ask a man out? The t&c’s of why this should be left to the men has changed. Whilst researching for my book, The Flirt Interpreter, I asked 100 men, in four different international, Western cities,  if they would like it if a woman approached them and/or  asked them out. The answer was a resounding ‘Yes’! The only caveat was as long it wasn’t done ‘too aggressively’. So, yes, ask away

Remember, we are not looking to attract everyone, just the select few who match with us. (Because no, I don’t believe there is just one person out there; a perfect soul mate) With the understanding that we are looking for quality or quantity, the logic is that if we act like ourselves, we will attract those who fit with us. If we are someone who likes to do the choosing, and we ask out a man who doesn’t like it, because *he* likes to be the one to choose, than it is not a good fit anyway. That’s it; that’s life; that’s how this thing works. And, it’s pretty damn helpful that is does. So, if you stop wanting to be wrapped in cotton wool all the god damn time and understand that this is just part of the procedure, than you will see it too.

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How do you Flirt with an Englishman?

In a dating world, which still clings tightly to tradition, the men of England get a bad rap. After all, if you are expected to take on the roles of approaching and asking, and you don’t, it’s no surprise if you have a lot of disgruntled females on your hands! I have written in the past about the benefits of taking the proactive role, whether you are male or female. Therefore, since I already posit that you shouldn’t sit back and wait for things to happen (in any area of life!) I don’t really see what the problem is. Because ladies, the men of England want you to have a much bigger part in this process. Is it because they are shy? Probably. Is it also because they believe in gender equality? Yes. In these instances, we are the ones putting everyone in boxes, and chaining them to gender-specific roles. Why are we still entertaining silly expectations linked to biology (to everyone’s great expense)?

In Paris, a woman’s only role in flirting is to look coy and demure.  She would be looked upon with suspicion if she were to take any active part in the flirting ritual. London plays by different rules. Instead of being frustrated when a cute, English boy looks at you shyly, but never actually comes up to you, take it as a sign for you to make a move! I have done the research; I spoke with a large sample size of these baffling specimens in face-to-face interviews. Trust me, they like it!

In my research into the flirting in the cities of London, Paris, N.Y. and Stockholm, the greatest disconnect that I found was this aspect in London flirting. The women don’t think that men like aggressive women, and the men say they want women to be more proactive when it comes to flirting. I think part of the problem is the word ‘aggressive’. No, they wouldn’t like it if you came up to them, full on sitting on their laps, ‘hey baby, do you like mamma’s shake?’ (Save that for the New Yorkers). However, there is a huuuuuuuge spectrum between you strolling over and saying, ‘Is it always this busy in here’?  or, by contrast, doing some of your best stripper moves against his chair. Starting a conversation with a man does not mean that you are a trollop, moreover, it is what they want you to do. Read another blog post here.

Still not convinced? Read an earlier blog about whomever does the choosing, will be happiest with the results. It is in everyone’s best interest, male or female, to be the proactive one.

In the next blog, I’ll discuss a question asked by one of my blog follower’s, asking why Englishmen are slow burners. Thanks, Ravish!

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Where the Boys are…

Here it is, the £2,000,000 question: where are all the single guys? I have strongly urged you to realise that they are not at singles’ parties or participating in online dating. They are not booking tickets, to anything, two weeks in advance; they are not making special efforts to be where other single people are (unless it’s very early in the morning on a Sunday and there is lots of alcohol involved). So, where are they? The answer isn’t anything very mystical; they are just going about their everyday lives. As someone who has been running singles events for the past decade, I can assure you that men do not tend to book events in advance. It’s more like waking up and thinking, ‘I wonder what I’ll do today?’. And, most men are completely turned off by the idea of being at event that is obviously for ‘singles’. So, again you ask, ‘where are they?’ If going about their everyday business is not specific enough, then how about: they are hanging out with their friends, they are playing sports, they are doing whatever they feel like. This is, by the way, exactly what the women should be doing. Live your lives now: don’t wait until you find a partner to start living. The boys aren’t.

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